Secrets
by soljadd
Summary: Bella finally decides to write to her abandoned journal to release all of her bottled up secrets about the Cullens.  first fan fic not the best writer dont judge :
1. Diary Entry 1

Dear my pointless abandoned diary,

Today marked my 5th wedding anniversary with my "mate". Right now I'm not quite sure how I feel about it apparently from what Im told at this time in our marriage I'm still suppose to be head over heels for him, but everyday that feeling just goes away even more. It washes away with constant rain of Forks. Are vampires the only exception to the feelings guide of marriage?

I think, well I know that I feel some sort of love for something but what or who am I loving? Is it just my vampire lifestyle? Or just watching my beautiful daughter enjoy her perfect life? Or is it just watching my brothers and sisters fall even more love with each other every day, if it is even possible for them to do so. But im sure the love I had for Edward all those years ago isn't even present. I now realized that marrying my high school sweet heart was fun while it lasted but it turns out that this was a mistake. Everyday since I realized my mistake I have too trick myself into believing that I love him and being a Cullen not only for Nessie but also because I don't want Jasper to become suspicious and talk to Edward about my lack of love towards him.

Not only is my love lacking but I NEVER get to see Nessie any more, though shes not a little kid anymore, I still love her and I'm still her mother and have a right to see her, right? Or is this another exception for vampires with a hybrid as a daughter? Me and Rennie just need to run away some how, the Cullens will for sure team up on me and probably lock me up somewhere so I never take lil *Rennie away. But I have a plan, they don't even know about this new found capability of mine. SHIT! Gotta go Edward is coming! His steps sound filled with rage! Hopefully he wont take it out on me again! God Please save me!

-Bella

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_*i wasn't sure how to put this is but i kinda wanted to explain about why Bella says Rennie so here is Bella going off on a rant explaining it!..._

_Oh why did i say Rennie?... Well as you may know the mutt gave her the nick name "Nessie" well you may have hear of this monster called the "Lochness monster".. Yea i know right! Jacob someone who i thought to be my BEST friend calls my daughter by a nickname that is connecting to a MONSTER! he is such an A hole! "Bella I'm destined to be with her" yea right my $$ you are!_

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**ok bare with me i just felt like writing something and this is my very first fanfic. Should i continue with this ? I have wrote out a couple more chapters that I might throw out there but I'm not quite sure about this. And i would also like to apologize in advance all of my chapters will be kinda short and not to full and i may not realize that somethings may not make sense to some other people so if you have any questions at all please ask. And if you are reading this at all even if you don't like it please just write a review saying you saw it because im not sure if ill get many reviews at all. And if u have any suggestions about the story please help! OH and one last thing lol if i do continue will someone please help me create a better title!**


	2. Diary Entry 2

I just realized something today. Maybe me marrying Edward wasn't suppose to be about this epic never ending love story! The key word in the last few sentences are maybe. I'm not even sure that it is possible for Renesmee to have children. And the possibility of any of these e. But maybe to make someone that will serve great importance to the world. Maybe the whole marriage is to supply a happy loving family for Renesmee, just a stable life. Maybe my daughter will save millions of lives. Maybe she will have her own kids that will go on to have there own kids who will someday be the ruler of the world. Or maybe my great-great-great grand-kids will create world peace! All of these are possibilities, but if Edward is like this, a control freak, wanting to captain every part of my life, I don't know if I can take it anymore. Not only is he taking over my life but he brainwashed Rennie! The daughter he says he loves but I can see right through his lies.

Lies, that reminds me of something. Forgot to mention what happened last night, he came in and started just yelling at me, then he pulled some hair out of my scalp. Luckily Rosalie knows about all of this, the only reason she knows is because shes being forced into love with Emmett. She told me at first she loved all the Cullens, loved them more than anything. She told me about how she was so grateful to the Carlisle for changing her so she could then have saved Carlisle. But then she tells me about all of her regrets. "I regret ever becoming a vampire, I regret ever trusting Emmett! I regret letting you become one of us Bella!" Why does all of this remind me of lies? Because the Cullens lie, they have always lied. Except for Esme and Rosalie and Renesmee, but I don't call her a Cullen. To me, Rennie, is a sweet immaculate little girl, everything a Cullen is not.

Well since I haven't written in this journal for a while I might as well explain a little bit about Rosalie and I's new found relationship. When ever I wanted to be turned and all of the Cullens voted on whether or not to change me they all voted yes, except Rosalie. She said something like "I don't want you to have a life like this. This isn't a life I would've chosen for myself, and I wish there were someone who voted no for me."  
HA! Only if then I knew the underlying reasoning of why she said no.

One more thing I just need to throw out there. I only recently found the reason to why they didn't change me then and there. They knew that Edward could impregnate me. They knew. They knew they could attach me to this family with another being so it would be even harder for me to leave, Rennie. The only reason Rosalie didn't leave is so that maybe some people wanting to be a Cullen will truly see reasonings behind a no. But I have to leave, and soon. I cant take this anymore!

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_Meh, so there is chapter numero dos!... if anyone has any questions feel free to ask! And please i need constructive criticism! So if you have any criticism please tell me so i can work on becoming a better writer! And if you have any suggestions on where the story should go please spit out all of your ideas even if u think they're stupid ones! You never know your ideas that you might think are stupid might spark other ideas for me!_

**~Soljadd~**

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Quote of the chapter that may lead us into the next chapter

_Being prepared to die is one of the great secrets of living. _  
_ George Lincoln Rockwell _


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